sleeping over

This was a big week for us and a big week for Olle - he spent a night away from us both, for the first time ever (not counting the first month of his life in hospital).

I was 10 before I spent a night away from home - and then I went with my older brother to stay for a week with relatives on their farm, where I'd been many times before. Even so, I remember feeling, not exactly nervous but definitely aware of being away from my mother, of having to be mentally 'on my own'.

In my childhood, in 1960s Sydney, the sleepover with friends was completely unknown. However, a friend of mine who grew up in the US in the 1940s/50s says she did do sleepovers. I'm not sure if the non-existence of the sleepover was completely local to where I grew up, or a Catholic thing (maybe because we all lived in big families, with no room for visiting children) or if it's an American phenomenon which didn't make it here till the 70s or 80s. (Or maybe everyone was doing sleepovers and not inviting me...)

The assumption today that kids do sleepovers from early on is something that caught me by surprise in my mothering career. I've known barely-four year olds who do sleepovers with other kids from the childcare centre. They appear to take this completely in their stride. When Olle was four this was completely unthinkable. Not that he was shy or obsessed with a particular bedtime routine. From early on he would go to sleep just about anywhere - in restaurants or friends' houses. We could go out to an adult event and leave him at a friend's house and he'd easily go to sleep on their couch. But he'd know we'd be coming to get him at some stage - we'd carry him sleeping out to the car and bring him home. If we hadn't arrived to collect him, at some point in the night he would have woken and been very upset ... we never tested this out but we knew it was true. And at some stage every night, he ended up in our bed, which is a very cosy place to be.

From about age five, the sleepover invitations rolled in. Mostly I'd just tell the parent that Olle didn't do them. I always said this with a slight feeling of inadequacy, as if we were raising a clingy, dependent child - even though I knew he wasn't clingy or overly dependent (whatever that is). I knew all the attachment theory and felt basically sure that his attachment to us was a strong and healthy and appropriate one, but at the same time I always felt slightly in the wrong. (Maybe that's just my tendency, to feel in the wrong even when I know I'm doing what's right for my situation...) Sometimes I felt almost driven to lie - to have reasons he couldn't do a particular sleepover rather than tell the truth which is that he never did sleepovers. I did at times get the impression that some people looked at us askew, like there was something peculiar or over-clingy about us that we had a five-six-seven-eight year old who never stayed the night away from us (and still came into our bed). (What does this say about our culture? There seems to be a strong notion that dependence is a drag - whether that's having someone be dependent on you or vice versa.)

From age seven, I would sometimes ask Olle if he was interested in doing a sleepover with a close friend. Once I said to him, "wouldn't you like to sleep at R's place, then you could play all the time".

"But I wouldn't be able to play because I'd be asleep", he replied.

Even when we went to stay in weekenders with other families, Olle would sleep in our room rather than sleep with all the other kids. He clearly felt more secure that way. Not to give the impression that I was eager for him to 'move on out' - I was happy with the situation, but occasionally felt I needed to test the waters of possible transition.

This year, he transitioned to sleeping on a mattress on the floor of our room rather than in the bed when he comes in in the night (he always goes to sleep in his own room but always, whether at midnight or 5am, comes into our room at some stage).

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In term one, they talked about doing an overnight camp for his class, so we knew it was a possibility. They announced it as a definite two weeks ago. When he brought the permission form home, I was careful not to phrase the conversation in any negative way - we both assumed he would go. And so did he.

Then, in playground conversations, it became apparent there were parents who were uneasy about their kids managing to sleep over at camp. I found out there were other kids who'd never done sleepovers - and some who'd only stayed with grandparents. There were kids who'd been on sleepovers-gone-wrong (1am phone calls asking to be taken home, teenage siblings showing horror films in front of eight year olds.)

One mother arranged for her child to be asked if she wanted to come home for the night (the camp was within the Sydney region).

Every couple of days, I would casually chat with Olle about sleeping at camp - what could he take from home to keep him company, what would he do if he woke in the night ("go back to sleep", he said). Finally I asked if, along with his classmate, he wanted the teachers to give him the option of having his parents collect him after the first day at camp. "No" he said.

Not that he was without apprehension. Last weekend, he was short-tempered and emotional - the impending absence was on his mind ( and ours!)

Off they went. We cajoled him into taking a soft toy (a dog), a headlamp to read by and a book.

Thirty six hours later, they came back. He was elated, high - he'd had a fantastic time doing outdoor activities and indoor trust games, like one big encounter group.

How did the night go? As they were about to go to bed, three of them, including him, decided they wanted their parents to be rung to collect them! The teacher said (very nicely) it was too late.

Once in bed, a different boy began crying because there was too much talking and  he couldn't get to sleep. The teacher came and comforted him. Olle admitted to being a bit "freaked out" because the bed he was in creaked whenever the boy in the top bunk moved. But he thinks he was asleep by 10pm. He woke for "five minutes" in the night because someone was talking in their sleep. Then he slept till 7am. It sounded as if several kids in other cabins got substantially less sleep than that!

Essentially he was perfectly okay and it wasn't a huge deal - though it was a huge deal that it wasn't a huge deal, I think. The attachment theory appears to be correct - if a child has their needs for attachment met, then they'll be able to feel internally secure when they begin to separate. Not to mention the developmental theory, that things usually happen at their own sweet developmentally-appropriate time.

Comments

[Claire - Matching Pegs]

My older 2 children are almost 8 and almost 6. I would not feel comfortable letting them stay over (except with grandparents) and I don't think they would either.

Our primary school has decided not to do camps any more. This is mainly due to the pressure this puts on the teachers, in these days of litigation etc. There are more factors and it is quite a complex issue, but for the sake of brevity, I won't bang on about it.

I will say that I understand the school's position, but do think that a camp with ones peers may be one of the best ways to experience a night away from home.

It was quite comforting to read your post. My kids have not been asked to a sleepover yet, but I know some of their peers have started, and some parents don't seem to bat an eyelid. I am not sure what I will say when that day comes.

[Kirsten]

Liam has had a few sleepovers (home and away), but only with one friend, whose mother used to look after him one day a week when he was 2-3 - so he is very comfortable with her and with the house. But he tried a sleep over at my mum's last year and ended up coming home at about midnight - I think the main difference was sleeping in a room on his own (and a fair way from his Nanna's room), vs with a friend.

Having said that, most of his friends are yet to try sleepovers. When I was in about 2nd or 3rd grade we had a couple of sleepovers at school, as sort of training for going on school camps the following year, for kids who had never spent a night away from their parents. I had been spending weekends at my father's place since my parent's split when I had just turned six, so for me it wasn't an issue (I remember feeling superior, LOL!). But lots of the other kids were quite nervous.