20

Co-p and I have been together for 20 years today.

What's "together"? Unlike heterosexuals, who often date their relationships from when they got married, engaged or met, we date ours from the first time we had sex. Which was about four months after we met. (Neither of us knows that date.)

If "together" meant living together, we'd only be up to 18 years, as we didn't move in together until two years after the relationship began. We've been living together ever since. Contemplating that is a bit strange for me, as I'm mentally not a particularly coupley person - which must sound a contradictory thing to say. But I was 34 when we started living together and hadn't ever lived with just my lover before then (I'd lived with a lover - and several other people - in a very large house.) However, I had shared with just one other person for the previous 10 years - not the same one-person all that time, but not a big group household. In other words, I was used to a small, relatively simple domestic arrangement.

We haven't done anything to mark this anniversary - anniversaries haven't been a major feature of our relationship. And it almost coincides with a difficult anniversary for me (my mother's death), so I find it a bit hard to celebrate. And I view the 20 years with a slight sense of alarm - it sounds so set. Which isn't actually my experience of this relationship at all.

Ironically, two days ago we both had dinner with the woman who I split up with in order to take up with co-parent.  (After I had taken up with co-p, to be factual about it.) It was all very traumatic at the time, for me and for her, and that we're now able to spend time together happily is very restorative - worth celebrating in itself.

Comments

[Jody]

Congratulations on the journey so far.

[Mikhela]

well congratulations! you may not celebrate it but I think we should have some sort of community noticeboard or skywriting or something - i would love to see this affirmed rather than the stoopid dance party pickup culture we seem to have apprpriated from the gay boys.

[elsewhere]

Wow, congratulations!

Btw, I know het couples who date their relationships from the first time they had sex.

[Helen]

Congratulations Suz and partner!!

20 years, that's the Golden anniversary. Just looked it up on About.com because I always forget these things. A gift idea was "Become a Scottish Lord. ... Buy a Scottish lhighland Estate A fantastic and inexpensive gift." Wow, their definition of inexpensive is not the same as mine.

I hope your anniversary was golden anyway, even if you didn't get a Scottish estate!

[Helen]

Btw, I know het couples who date their relationships from the first time they had sex.

That's weird.

[suso]

Helen, as co-p's paternal parental figure is Scottish, that could have been an inexpensive gift for us, but I think the estate was squandered years ago.

[Robin Reagler]

Congratulations! It sounds like something worth celebrating to me!

[Jennifer]

Congratulations!! You've made me realise that we're about up to 20 years from the beginning of our relationship too - I know it was January, but I can't remember the actual date (not being that big on anniversaries, either...).

[Gianna]

oh, that's lovely. twenty years! *mind boggling, having never managed to have a relationship longer than 3 years myself*
i'm sorry it is a bittersweet occasion for you.

[Valerie]

Congratulations, and happy anniversary!!!

My partner and I kind of slid sideways into a relationship whose existance surprised us both, so we have *no* idea what day to count as our anniversary. We are at about 12 or 13 years I think. I'd love to have an anniversary date to celebrate, so I guess we should get married or something, to have an official day.

Anyway, congrats! I think reaching 20 years is pretty darn amazing!!