birth day

[Yes, I'm aware that I've missed some days in the daily posting month, but I hope the multiple posts on other days makes up for it.]

I'm meant to be studying for an exam, instead I'm writing a brief post to express how I'm feeling. Instead of getting depressed on my own birthday (as I believe many ageing adults do), I tend to become tense and weepy on my son's, even though every year is another year away from the events of that day. And I feel slightly ridiculous about feeling this way, as I have a very healthy, happy child. And I've devoted considerable mental resources and had a lot of support to sort through what happened at that time, so you'd think I'd be 'over' it. Which I am, to a large extent. Except...

Apart from saying "hello" to him as he was held up to me, straight after birth, I didn't see him again until the next day. And he spent four weeks in hospital, so I went home without him.

Ever year since then, we've had a photo taken together at the time he was born. It's been an important symbolic act for me, as there are no photos of us together on his birth day. In fact there's only one photo of him on his birth day, a Polaroid taken in intensive care by the nursing staff.

But today we won't be together at that time, as I'll be doing the bloody exam. It's surprising how powerfully that's affecting me.

Comments

[Jody]

I'm sorry you'll be apart at that time.

Being separated from my children in those moments and weeks wounded me far more deeply than I realized at the time. It's taking me an agonizingly long time to heal.

[Helen]

What a rotten thing to happen Suz.

He is a beautiful boy, and you are beautiful together no matter what happened.

A big HIPPO BIRDY 2EWE to Olle!

(Girlchild's next to go - on the 24th!)

[elissa]

I was only separated from Nell for an hour after her birth but it was the longest (and darkest) hour of my life. I believed I might die without having ever held her.

That hour makes me hold her a little tighter every day, whereas I am much more free and easy with Zac (whom I held from the moment he was born). It's a big thing, that first day and your feelings are completely understandable.

[Gianna]

happy birthday to Olle for last week!
i can't imagine how tough that separation must have been, especially after having the baby inside you for so long.
anyway, hope you blitzed your exam despite the bad timing.