boys into men

A woman I know who is pregnant has found out she's expecting a boy. Initially both she and her husband were not sure how to respond to the news. The man worried that their son would be a sporty, macho type, which he adamantly is not. She felt surprised that her female body could be producing a male - but now she's moving towards relief, relief that she won't be able to totally replicate the entwined relationship she has with her own mother.

After the initial surprise when I learnt I was pregnant with a boy (surprise that was mainly based around the realisation that the baby was real), I felt relief too. I was relieved that my narcissism would have a boundary placed on it - that there'd be a limit to my identification with the child. Before the baby had even been born, I could imagine the intense, contradictory feelings I'd have for a daughter. I think I would have had impossibly high expectations of a girl and of myself as feminist mother of a daughter. A boy felt like an unknown, in the positive sense - he was free to be whoever he turned out to be.

What struck me from my friend's story was her husband's reaction to the news that he's going to have a son - confusion. This isn't the first time I've heard of non-stereotypical adult men saying they wouldn't know what to do with a boy. Maybe all the negative talk in recent years about fatherhood - absent fathers, distant fathers and so on - has led to an impossible ideal of fatherhood in the face of what everyone seems to assume is the true essence of boyness, the "boyish" boy. It's the idea - and the ideal - of the perfect "role model".

I have to say that I don't like the notion of "role models' - the notion that any of us goes around simply copying other people, in whatever capacity they are "modelling" for us. I especially dislike the idea that children learn how to be a gender simply through copying masculine or feminine behaviour. Child development and human interaction in general are much more complex than that. That is, of course, why the claim that sons of lesbians are missing the essential role model has always struck me as nonsense. (Which is different from the proposition that boys need men in their lives.) (And besides, many children of lesbians do have fathers in their lives.)

My gay brother (one of the men in our boy's life) recently gave Olle a book called Boys Who Rocked the World (From King Tut to Tiger Woods). In the fine print inside, I discovered that it was entirely written by women! It's a strange kind of book. I mean, does anyone - including boys - really need to be told that "boys can do anything"? (Actually, it doesn't say that, I'm mimicking an old feminist slogan, "girls can do anything". What it does say can be seen on the back cover.) Boys, when they grow up, still dominate in the worlds of politics, business and sports. In the public sphere, boys even dominate in the supposedly female arenas of cooking and fashion. Which isn't to say that boys face no obstacles in being and becoming anything they want to be - or in even getting to the point where they might feel a wish to somehow step outside the accepted masculine constraints. However, I'm not sure that a book of role models, like this one, is going to make much difference (which isn't to say we don't appreciate the gift! My brother buys Olle many wonderful books.)

I don't think raising sons (or daughters) is about showing them how to act, how to take on a role. Parenthood is a relationship which requires interaction and awareness of what the child is going through at whatever stage they're up to. In that, I don't think parenthood requires anything especially different from mothers or fathers - it's important to acknowledge  every part of the child's developing self and not force them to suppress parts of themself in the name of masculinity (or femininity). I think the best way to raise a boy is in the understanding that there is no one way to be a boy.

Having said all that, we do take care to point out to Olle positive examples of men and boys. What, for me, is a positive example? I suppose it does incorporate men doing atypical things like dance (he has some ballet DVDs and Tap Dogs too), but the activity isn't the sum total of what we look at. We also admire athletes who use their bodies beautifully, soccer players like Beckham. We watch Jamie Oliver and the boys from Surfing the Menu. Walking home from school the other day, we passed a teenage boy who'd played and sung beautifully at the Christmas piano concert - I nudged Olle, who recalled exactly which song he'd sung.

I lean towards drawing his attention to men who are able to use their bodies with sensitivity, men who are expressive and intellectually creative, as a counterweight to all the bottled-up boofheads who get the mainstream kudos in our culture.

Comments

[Ariel]

Oops! Just realised you don't like role models after I called your son one in your most recent post. Fair point.

I am ashamed to say it now because I love my son so much, but I sobbed when I initally found out he was going to be a boy - I was convinced I'd have a girl. Yes, I didn't know what to do with a boy. And my mum had a lot of trouble with my two brothers. Now I am so pleased I have a boy, as I don't have to work through all the awful crap served up to girls at the moment - the Bratz, the baby bras, etc.

[suzoz]

Ariel, I'm also glad I don't have to deal with commercialised girliness and besides, pink is my least favourite colour ;-) Boys of course are also targets for commercial crap but until quite recently we managed to avoid most of that and to dress him in clothes that I'd be happy to wear (he's moved more into the drab boy-look now, though not completely.)

[Ariel]

I'm constantly having to wade through the commercial crap my son just loves, but I find that the girl crap is so much more offensive. At least they don't want little boys to be sexy little shopping machines! Clothes-wise, mine most likes to wear skivvies I buy cheap and let him draw on with permanent textas. For now ...

[Valerie]

Susoz wrote: I have to say that I don't like the notion of "role models' - the notion that any of us goes around simply copying other people, in whatever capacity they are "modelling" for us.

Yes!!!! I *so* agree with this. I can't imagine myself wanting some person to be my "role model" -- I don't want to copy anybody else. I much prefer to take good ideas where I find them, and make my own choices and my own way, figuring out what is right for me. I hope to raise my kids to be that way too.

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About boy-crap and girl-crap in stores: I have a son and a daughter, and, at least to my family, I've found that the crap is about equally offensive to me. My family does pretty well at keeping out of the house: war toys, toys that glamorize violence, girly Bratz-type dolls, and teeny sexualized clothing. I don't think it matters which gender of child you are raising, there is crap out there that people will peddle toward your child, that you as a parent will need to contend with.