marriage and d-i-v-o-r-c-e

They've split up.

When I first heard the news, my main reaction was surprise. I'd genuinely thought they were stayers, totally devoted to each other.

My second and third reactions concerned the detail of how our future relationships are to be negotiated.

Fourth reaction: this just confirms how ludicrous "getting married" is, as far as I'm concerned. (I'm writing as someone who just marked the 19th anniversary of being together with co-parent. We don't see ourselves as married.) And as a friend remarked, when I told her the news, as with a lot of longterm heterosexual couples who marry only to split up not long after, it makes you wonder if there was a problem just beneath the surface that one or both partners was trying to squash down with a marriage declaration. Clearly, that didn't work.

Thank goodness they kept the ceremony short and sweet and cheap.

Comments

[Linda]

This is an interesting issue, but I don't think it's black or white.

I know married couples who aren't 'married couples' in my eyes because the committment isn't there, the respect isn't there, I could go on and on. I know of couples who have gotten married more out of social pressure, I suspect, than anything else, and I find this very, very sad.

I know married couples who have split, to whom 'marriage' was only about getting married and not about the relationship.

But I also know couples who have been married for decades, where there is genuine committment, respect and dedication toward one another.

I think the key is not 'marriage' per se, but the people involved, the quality of the relationship, the commitment, loyalty, respect and understanding of one another. This is what defines a real relationship imho, and you can find this with married couples and with couples who don't have the slip of paper/haven't done the ceremony.

Some people see the ceremony/paper as valid, some don't (I strongly believe that everyone in our society should have a right to this option, btw). But in the end, I think it's the relationship that counts.

Just 2c worth from a happily married me!

[elsewhere]

For a moment I thought you might be talking about Kylie and Olle. Sorry. Frivolous thoughts pass through my head sometimes!

[susoz]

That was a bit of a shock too!

[Bernice Balconey]

Well i have to agree with Kate Clinton on the whole marriage thing - personally I don't get it but then the wedding presents could be useful. & the getting married thing runs a close second to the 'lets have a kid' as a method of realtionship shoring up. Not a good move.

[Mikhela]

Does splitting up invalidate the marriage? Or is it only a 'success' if they stay together for decades?
In a subculture where partying, drag kings and sex is used to define us, I think watching two (or three whatever) people declare their love & commitment to each other is a beautiful thing - we are lacking in meaningful community rituals in the g&l world. I'm more concerned about how we represent ourselves in the gay media as shallow party folk and sex-obsessed - not that I mind parties & sex! but it's a juvenile developmental stage, a combination of youth, coming out & relief at finding 'community', not the pinnacle of our queer lives.
Plus of course I want the whitegoods.

[susoz]

Linda, I agree it's the relationship which counts - which is why I think marriage is irrelevant on an emotional level, though clearly it's still invested with a lot of legal and symbolic importance in our culture, else why would some people wish to exclude others from it?
Mikhela asks: Does splitting up invalidate the marriage? Or is it only a 'success' if they stay together for decades?
It doesn't invalidate the relationsip, but whether it invalidates the marriage is another issue. Clearly the commitment which was expressed had dissipated only a year later. From my point of view, it would be better not to publicly express such commitment. Experience tells me that it's very rarely adhered to in the long run.
I've had previous long relationships which ended but I continue to see them as having been very important in my life - they're not inferior to my current relationship, but if I were married to co-parent, they would automatically be relegated to that position, I think.

[Kay]

That's an interesting point, that your previous relationships would be relegated to lesser if you got married. I was going to comment a bit on what the marriage ceremony meant to my parnter and I, but I hear him getting more and more angry with Liam in the bath so I better go...