children

When I first heard about this (and whenever I hear news of other accidents involving groups of young people), I breathed a sigh of relief that my own child isn't old enough to be out in the world on his own. It is indeed "every parent's worst nightmare".

It wasn't until a week later that I found out that a friend of mine is connected to the mother of one of those who died. Hearing the behind the scenes story of the terrible loss for that family is much worse, of course, than merely reading a news story. It keeps coming into my mind.

When my friend was talking to me about it, she said, "What would you do? Could you even go on if that happened?" (The 'you' was a general one.) She had her own young child in mind.

A few years ago, when our boys were only four, another friend who is a single mother confessed to me that her worst fear was that her child would die and that she'd be so devastated that she wouldn't be able to go on living. She tormented herself with this thought and was worried that there was something wrong with her to think such things and feel that way. She was surprised when I said I'd of course had that kind of thought too.

There's an almost superstitious barrier to expressing such ideas, but what interests me (if 'interests' is the right word) about such feelings is their desperate intensity. Such fears aren't usually part of adult love relationships but they do seem to be intrinsic to mother-love. Maybe it's because keeping our children alive is some kind of primal or atavistic impulse. Maybe it's true (didn't some survey find this years ago?) that most women would opt to save their children's lives rather than that of their spouse?

Comments

[suse]

Yeah, it's a totally different type of love. A love that protects to the death. The love for a spouse isn't generally protective in that same mother tiger way. So you save the cubs and hope the patriarch is saving himself.

[Susan]

I can see that--I think the partner would do the same, no?

[elissa]

It's a strangely different thing. I sometimes 'torment' myself with ideas of Soy dying but my response is always the same - how would I cope practically without him? I just assume that I would be devastated but go on because the kids need me.

But my nightmares these days are always about losing the kids. Just last night I dreamed they were strapped into the car as it rolled down hill and into the sea. I woke up sweating. The consequences are unimaginable.

[Deborah]

My worst nightmares are to do with losing my children too. My partner? Meh - he can look after himself.

My life would be fractured if something disastrous happened to him, but I would need and want to pick myself up and keep going, because my girls need me.

And when we have talked about this, he has much the same response. It's a very curious thing, this protective love we have for our children.